Because I’m a masochist, I watched a few episodes on YouTube of the now cancelled ‘Dapper Laughs: On The Pull’. Dapper is basically the Uni Lad website turned into a person, given a mockney accent and a whole stack of terrible “your mum” jokes, and his TV show consists of him meeting up with some bloke and teaching him how to score some girls. Having a certain fascination with terrible TV, I had to watch.
In episode two, there’s a particularly lovely interlude where Mr. Laughs describes exactly what it’s like getting “beer goggles” and “going on the pull when you’ve had too many”. He ends up being attracted to a long-haired brunette and commenting “look at the arse on that!” only to reach the bar and discover that she is in fact a man, then recoiling in horror. Someone at ITV2 decided that some toxic combo of gay panic and transphobia ought to be aired. Still, we can get married now, so it’s not all bad for us poofs, right?
Other highlights from episode two include Callum from Leeds explaining how one of his favourite pick-up techniques is to set a photograph of his penis as the background image on his phone, then walk up to girls and show it to them. He then proceeds to explain the method by which he has intercourse with the bird that he has pulled—which obviously lacks adequate foreplay. Proper classy.
In episode three, Dapper takes whatever-his-face—at this point, they’ve basically become so bland and “blokey” as to basically be interchangeable—off to meet some female ballroom dance teachers. After teaching identikit man how to do the tango, Dapper asks the dance teachers what advice they would have for guys going to meet girls, and they basically say be confident, and don’t use cheesy pick-up lines. Which is pretty much the only advice you should actually take from this show.
Also, in episode three, I learned that two women who managed to resist the seductive temptations of the Dapster must, of course, be lesbians. In Dapper’s mind, playing for Team Gay is the only feasible reason a lady would have for not wanting to have it off with a man who makes “your mum” jokes professionally.
What I watched can best be summed up as “just fucking ghastly”. I’m an atheist, but if there were a God, watching ‘Dapper Laughs: On The Pull’ would be all the reason I’d need to thank her profusely for making me gay and thus having the privilege of only being an observer of the strange and disturbing pick-up rituals documented on shows like ‘On The Pull’. I’m almost sad that the show has been cancelled: I think that there ought to be a channel where the worst parts of humanity are broadcast, both as a warning to ourselves, and as an invitation for an alien civilisation to come and do humanity a favour and wipe us all from existence like an interstellar Dr. Kevorkian. Based on ‘On The Pull’, ITV2 seems like an ideal host for such an exercise.