In today's post, there was some advertising bumpf (technical term) addressed to my dear mum from the so-called university that ruined a large chunk of 2003 and 2004 for me, and also took a big old chuk of my cash as part of the privilege. Just for a sort of Groucho Marx kind of trip, I thought I'd send them a funny if slightly pointless e-mail in response. It is as I sent it, except it has the last sentence (which mostly consists of my address) removed. I also thought I'd cut out the name of the addressee of the e-mail. 
My parents received a copy of the Family Newsletter today, despite the fact that I dropped out from my excruciatingly rubbish course back in 2004. I have emailed at least four different people within the university on the following dates to inform them that I have left: the 12th of July 2004, the 14th of July 2004, the 11th of October 2004, the 18th of January 2005, the 27th of January 2005, the 14th of February 2005 and the 12th of October 2005. Evidently, the message has not quite sunk in.
Has the fact that I have not attended the uninformative and pedestrian lectures offered by the department any time in the last two years not indicated my absence to the University? Or perhaps the fact that I have not submitted any essays or sat for any exams? Perhaps I have not sufficiently left - I am there in spirit but not in body? Or I am there in the form of a zombie wandering aimlessly around the campus? If this is the case, perhaps you could find a lecture in media studies, semiotic analysis of Posh and Becks or something equally useful and my disembodied spirit, I am fairly sure, will be most happy to lead it.
Failing that, can you please ensure that both me and my parents are removed from any further mailings?
Yours cordially,
Tom Morris
What university is this? Well, it isn't a university. It's a post-1992 university, which means it's really a polytechnic that's been briefly shoved under the shower and, as one person on the Internet puts it, "give degrees like confetti". When I was there, it had the highest drop out rate in the country (1 in 2 people who started a course would not finish). Since leaving, they have also lowered their pass mark to 26% for some students.
