Tom Morris

When popularity goes stale. It's enough to make you shrivel up and turn your comments off. Damn AOL'ers - this is a perfect example of why we need a literacy and IQ test before people are allowed to use the Internet. (Found via anil dash's daily links)

Yes. They did it. They fucking did it. It's the Bible but "Sugar"-erised. The Bible but refocussed for a Justin Timberlake teen girl market. ABC News review it here (and there's an excerpt of a typical 'quiz' from the book), a few Bible bashers road test it for the Detroit Free Press and the Mefites provide their cynical responses here (there are quite a few gems in there...). All found via Gothamist.

I particularly loved this part of the quiz...

Okay, you're a little boy-crazy, but not abnormal. Still, you might want to get in the Scripture and refocus on God. Remember all your fulfillment is in Him.

I almost misread that as saying "All your fufillment are belong to Him". That would be pretty cool actually... turning two thousand years of Christian history in to a meme that can be disposed of as quickly and safely as a crummy Quizilla poll. No, wait, check this out...

Adam, Eve and the snake realised their misdoing. The snake said: "SOMBODY SET UP US THE BOMB!!!" and Eve said "WE GET SIGNAL!", Adam responded "MAIN SCREEN TURN ON". The Lord God appeared unto the snake, and Adam and Eve and said: "HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN?!" Then the Lord God said to the snake, "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!". And he said to the woman, "YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO DESTRUCTION." Adam replied: "WHAT YOU SAY?!" And he said to the man "YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE. MAKE YOUR TIME." Then the Lord God said, "HA HA HA HA", and prompty disappeared.

Or maybe we could have...

They went into the house, and when they saw the child with his mother Mary, they knelt down and worshipped him. In response, Jesus popped his head out of the manger and shrieked "WHASSSSUPPPPPP!". The three wise men responded: "Nothin. Just chilling - watchin' the game - having a Bud".

I've been thinking up articles for a Biblical magazine like this magazine. Two thousand years of hypocrisy and violence plus my early Catholic school indoctrination brought me the following ideas: "Convert your friends - it's easy with this 'just-add-water' Baptismal pool!", "Shop till you drop! Find the perfect clothes and accessories for your lunchtime school witch burning." and "Crush the Mohammadean Tyranny with lip gloss that'll put a sparkle in to YOUR do-it-yourself Crusades". It could even have adverts for Virgin Mother Nail Varnish and a stylish Creationist handbag (God made you! And He made this not-too-racy and fairly innocent Gucci knockoff too! Praise Him!).

Fashion could be covered too: "Innocent White - it's the new Sexy Red", "Shawls and Baptist Robes - A Buyer's Guide" and "Your Guide to Non-Offensive Evening Wear". Not to mention the obligatory "I-Spy the Islamic Heathen!" and "Should I date a Secularist?" (an illustrated article describing what you should do if you meet a yucky-yucky Atheist, Agnostic or non-believer - two words: sacrificial burning).

Yes, the kids aren't the problem. It's the upbringing that sucks.

I was reading Why Web Journals Suck (found via Metapop), and she described what I've been bitching about perfectly. The SummerGrrl phenomenon...

The Perky Ones: A writer (usually female) who's chipper about everything and everyone and usually dots her i's with a heart and has pictures of unicorns on every page. Everything's just keen and they want to cuddle with their dog Fluffy and write about how great everything is. Amazingly cloying.

Thank you! You've said it. These are the same sort of people who buy those green 'hairy' pencil cases and fill them with multi-coloured gel pens and enjoy watching Legally Blonde 2. These are the people who think Sabrina the Witch is "kinda cool".

Women's writing is elevated on the web - whether it be pleasant, cynical or revolutionary. All forms of women's writing are coming out on the Internet, but this type is so saturated with saccharin, so overblown and expressionless that I can't read a word of it without gasping for clean air and a glass of water. Unfortunately, they are so plentiful and with the AOL Journals facility soon to come online, it seems that Blogdex, LiveJournal and Feedster are going to get swamped with unelected EmpressGrrls and other sugar-lipped voiceless darlings.

With all our high talk of Internet publishing democratisation and giving voices to the mute, we failed to account for the 'signal-to-noise' ratio inherent in higher forms of communication. In all but a few blogs, the comments and posts have been of unbelievably high-quality. Perhaps the installation routines for weblogging software (hardly the pinnacle of complexity) provides just the required 'test' for keeping the signal-to-noise ratio down.

Oh well, what with this and Kottke's recent "takeover" by the Great Unwashed, it looks like weblogging was fun - while it lasted.