I was reading Anil Dash's recent blog post about the retail experience and I feel I ought to share my views. So I present - the Rules of Retailing. 
The Universal Rule of Retailing: Do Not Piss Me Off. That's it. There is no magic formula, no quick-n-easy method - just this simple unalienable truth: if you want to get money from me, don't piss me off. Because a pissed off customer isn't going to be buying anything, and he is quite likely to put a damper on other's purchases.
Rule #1 of Retail: Retail sucks, shopping sucks. Yep. Retail is "the suxor". I hate having to go shopping. It's such a tiresome exercise and such a waste of time. So, if you're in that busines remember this: going shopping is the most annoying, time-consuming and awful thing in my life. I do not enjoy it. I do not even consider enjoyment. It's guaranteed to suck. All you can do is make it so it sucks as little as possible whilst I'm in your store.
Rule #2 of Retail: Make it easy, make it friendly. Whenever I go in to my local shops, the people are friendly and helpful. You can't have one without the other. To be friendly, you must be helpful and obliging, and to be helpful and obliging, it helps a lot of you're friendly. Pretend friendly does not help. By pretend friendly I mean places like the Gap who have some 'token' standing by their front door saying "Hi, Welcome to the Gap". Don't I feel loved? Don't I just feel lovely inside? No. I feel like I've just been welcomed by a robot. If I go in to my local curry take-away, the guy will engage in human conversation whilst waiting for the food to come out of the kitchen - he knows what's going on in the news, he know's about his customers (what they are like etc.) and he'll engage you in conversation about family or work or school or whatever. That's real friendly. But most of all, if I'm not sure what a dish is like, I can ask him and he'll know. He doesn't need to check on a computer screen. If I ask him what a Chicken Dupiaza is like he'll tell me what a Chicken Dupiaza is like. Ditto if I go in to my local bakery - they have knowledgable, intelligent people working there. Same with the bookshop or the camera shop. They know what they are selling, and they are happy to tell you about it.
Rule #3 of Retail: That previous point - do it, okay. I knew whilst writing that previous passage that people are going to stand up and shout "you're so romantic - real life isn't like that". Why not? We're paying for the privilege? We're making some executive super-rich so why can't we have knowledgable people? It's not that difficult. The economy isn't in dire straights. That's just what the rich people want you to believe so that you don't go and harangue them for better wages. So - get intelligent people, pay them a good wage and watch your customers be happier (now think - I know that your BA in Business Studies does not allow you to do that, but just try... what do happier customers equal? It means that they are more likely to open up their wallet and let you take money out of it.)
Rule #4 of Retail: I know what I want. You're just there to sell it. I know up-front what I want. I don't need you to market to me, because I'm unmarketable. If I have decided to buy something it's after checking websites, reading reviews and seeing that what I hope to buy will serve my purposes. I don't need you to tell me what will suit my needs, because only I know what will suit my needs. So stop wasting your time marketing products to me - just put up a usable website, then I'll be able to decide if what you are flogging is what I be needing.
For example: I hate coffee. Always have done. I absolutely hate the sight, smell and taste of the stuff. Which means that every time you spend a penny marketing coffee to me, it's wasted. Because however flashy you make your coffee ad, however sexy you make the 'coffee experience', I'm still not going to buy your stupid coffee, because I hate it.
Rule #5 of Retail: Shut up about lifestyle. I don't give a shit. Right. Let's have a few little lessons. You are not selling me a lifestyle. You are selling me a toaster. You are not selling me an experience. You are selling me a chocolate bar. You are not selling me a philosophy. You are selling me a pair of jeans. This bedspread is not 'extreme', nor is this blank CD a religion. So stop trying to sell me lifestyles, concepts, experiences, philosophies, social contexts, popular psychology or attitudes. Because any sod knows they are intangible and completely unretailable. Get back to basics: sell me my jeans, my toaster and my chocolate bar as they are. I don't go in for price inflation. I'm afraid this roach has been sprayed so many times he's become resistant. Quit the sham because I really don't care anymore.
Rule #6 of Retail: I don't want your stinking storecard. I don't care. Instead of badgering me about credit cards, loyalty cards or anything like that, if you just STOP and spend all the time, money and energy you do on that in to lowering your prices for all your customers, I will appreciate your efforts far more.
Rule #7 of Retail: Leave it out with the music. Music rarely enhances a shopping experience. 99.99999% of the time it pisses me off. Now, remember, what do pissed of customers not do - spend money. It's okay in record shops, but most other places it's a stupid idea. And that's it. Boil it down, and I'm just apathetic. Retailing will always suck. Let's just try and make it as pleasantly crappy as we can.
